Living Happily Ever After - How To Transform your Relationship into The Relationship of Your Dreams?
One of the most common question people ask me is what steps they should take to transform their relationship into the relationship of their dream.
The answer is very simple: Remove all forms of negativity from your relationship.
That is it? Yes!
Eliminating negativity is the most powerful way to transform your relationship.
Dr. Hendrik says that Negativity is the chronic background music couples play to each other.
Studies show that highly negative relationships report lower marital satisfaction.
John and Natalie walked into my office arguing. John said he feels that Natalie is always criticizing him. Natalie said that she does not mean it, that John is too sensitive, and that she was just joking.
Sounds familiar?
What is negativity?
Negativity is anything and everything which is experienced by your partner as putting them down ,no matter if you meant it or not. If it triggers anxiety, it is considered negativity .
Forms of negativity
Negativity can be harsh:” You are so smart; I can’t believe you said that”. Or it can be hidden and gentle: a word, a look, a gesture. For example: Raising an eyebrow when your partner says something.
No matter the form negativity takes, the message is the same:” You are not good enough. I am better than you”. One person is up, and one person is down. The message is of judgment and rejection.
How does Negativity effect the relationship?
Negativity;
Destroys safety
Stimulates anxiety
Increases use of defense mechanism
Imagine your partner living in an environment where they are constantly being criticized and blamed: “It is your fault we missed the train”; “You cook so well, but my mom cooks better”, “You embarrassed me by wearing that shirt” and more.
They feel rejected, humiliated, shamed.
The brain recognizes that being with you is dangerous and unsafe and responds by going into survival mode: fight or flight.
Flight: He is staying late at work. She is having an affair. He is depressed. She is never home. He uses drugs and so on. Your partner is doing everything they can to avoid you and the pain you cause them . Fight: Your partner counters back and for every negativity you bring in, they bring two. It becomes a reactive relationship, made of defense and attack .
No one – and no relationship – can survive in such a toxic environment.
Why are you showing so much negativity towards the person you love?
At the beginning of most romantic relationships, you fall in love, and you feel as if you are one: You have the same needs, dreams, interests, values. But when the love ecstasy wears off, you find yourself noticing the differences between you and your partner: You are quiet , he is loud, you love sushi, she loves tacos.
That terrifies you! If they are so different from you, are they able to understand you and meet your needs?
From your point of view, your partner is threatening an image that you have of them, or they are failing to meet an unspoken need of yours.
You are so terrified to acknowledge and accept these difference, so you to deny ad reject them, by criticizing and putting them down.
Does this mean you cannot express a concern you have to your partner?
No. A relationship without open communication leads to a relationship with no emotional intimacy and support.
You should express yourself, but do it in an intentional, responsible way.
“You are always annoying me” sounds very different from “When you interrupt me, I feel unvalued, which makes me feel sad and hopeless”.
Commit to Zero Negativity for One Week
For one week commit to zero negativity in your romantic relationship. This includes; criticism , putting each other down, insulting comments, jokes on your partner’s expense and more.
Appreciation; In addition, on a daily basis, set a few minutes aside in order to express gratitude and appreciation to your partner . Tell them how something they do makes you feel and express what you love about them.
Negativity destroys your relationship , positivity transforms your relationship into the relationship of your dreams.
Why Do We Choose a Certain Person As Our Romantic Partner?
One of the first questions I ask couples is what attracted them to each other.
The answers I receive vary between:” He was handsome /smart / hard working” to : “ We had so much in common , we both love cooking , we both love traveling” and more .
But, according to Imago therapy the one in charge of our attraction to our partner is the unconscious. Imago Relationship therapy is a form of couples therapy that was developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix in the 80’s.
According to Imago therapy we choose a romantic partner who matches our imago- Image in Latin - which is formed out of the negative and positive traits of our care givers , usually our parents . This becomes a template for the romantic partner we look for down the road.
If that is the case, it makes sense that we will choose partners who resemble our parents positive traits . For example: If our father was an alcoholic, we will choose someone who never drinks and if our mother was controlling, we will choose someone who is laid back.
Makes sense, no?!
Yes! consciously we are looking for someone who resembles the positive traits of our parents, but research shows that our unconscious is looking for someone who exhibits similar negative traits of our parents.
Why?
According to Imago therapy we choose romantic partners in order to try and heal our childhood wounds. We are choosing A person with whom we can have a corrective emotional experience.
How does it work?
The brain in charge of our attraction to someone is not the new brain, the one that is reasonable and lives in the present. The one in charge of our attraction is the old brain, the one that stores all of our painful childhood memories. The old brain is trying to bring to stage the same frustrations and pain we experienced as children to resolve unresolved issues from the past.
The reason we are attracted to people who give us the same feelings we experienced as children, even if they are painful feelings , is that we are looking to repair and heal.
The answer to the question why we are attracted to a certain person, is connected to how much that person matches our imago. When we meet someone, our old brain checks if there is a fit between the person traits to our parents’ traits. The higher of a fit there is, the higher probability that we will be attracted to that particular person. It is important to note that we are not consciously looking for someone who resembles our parents. This process takes place in our unconscious.
So, are we stuck for ever with partners who will frustrate us and never meet our needs?
No!
Dr. Hendrix says: We are born in relationships, we are hurt in relationships, and we heal in relationships.
Imago therapy views difficulty as an opportunity for growth.
From the place of pain and difficulty, there is an opportunity for repair, healing, and growth. Committed relationships provide an opportunity to heal childhood attachment injuries by enhanced communication, and increased empathy.
A central tool in Imago therapy is the Imago Dialog- this is talk therapy arranged around structured dialogue, aiming at contingent communication. Each person starts to understand the meaning behind what the other person is saying, their motivation, what forces shaped them, and how they feel, deep down inside.
If we learn how to create a conscious relationship, we will create a relationship which will help us heal, grow, and overcome any childhood pain.