How to heal from infidelity?

You went out of the relationship. Your partner discovered this but you both decided to give the relationship another chance.

How can the relationship be repaired?

One thing that is crucial for healing from a betrayal is allowing your partner to express their emotions. Again, and again and again. I know that you do not want to hear it. I know that you wish it would be behind you and that every time your partner brings it up it activates emotions such as shame, guilt, and embarrassment and it is a constant reminder of the pain that you caused.

You may also think that your partner is bringing up infidelity to punish you and to cause you similar pain to the pain you caused them. Or you may be worried that when your partner is bringing their pain up, causes you as a couple to go backwards when you are trying to move forward.

But as difficult as it is, allowing your partner to share their feelings with you will help heal the relationship.

Why?

Infidelity causes trauma to the person that was cheated on. The trust was broken. As with trauma, going back and revisiting what happened, for example: bringing up the day they discovered everything or expressing their pain. is their way of processing what happened to them.

In addition, because of the betrayal the space between you does not feel emotionally safe. By listening to your partner, validating their feelings, and acknowledging their pain, safety can be restored, and you and your partner will be able to move forward.

If you do not allow your partner to talk, if you change the subject or shut down, the painful emotions will be brewing inside without a place to release, the space between you will feel dangerous and pain, resentment and anger will build up.

How to respond?

When your partner brings up their pain just listen and allow them to share their feelings with you. After they finish sharing you can respond by saying:” Tell me more about what you are feeling” or ask questions which show interest. Then validate their feelings by saying, for example: “I can understand how painful this can feel to you”.

A word to the partner who experienced the infidelity

I know that emotions can feel intense. The pain and the anger are brewing within you. You may want to hit your partner’s car with a baseball bat, bad mouth them on social media or curse them out. I understand that. But that will not help you heal. It will not give you the release that you are looking for. It will maybe feel great for a second, but after a minute, the hurt will come back.

The way to heal the relationship is by telling your partner what you feel, how does it affect your day to day and what you need from them. “I feel hurt, I feel as if my world fell apart “.

If your partner acknowledges and validates, the space between you will feel safe and you as a couple will heal.