The Connection Between Childhood and Your Frustrations
We are constantly fighting. He is always blaming me for things I didn’t do. She is always criticizing me.
Sounds familiar?
He says a word, you get angry, you say a word and he is ready to go to war.
Research shows that 90% of our upset in an interaction is related to history. Only 10% is related to the present.
Which means that frustrations in your relationship that are recurring and that trigger an intense emotional reaction, come from your past, not your partner.
How can that be? I am frustrated with him not with the past!
Correct! but the source is connected to an unmet need from your childhood.
Example:
Merry was constantly criticized by her mother as a child. Whenever her partner acts in a similar way, she responds with a powerful and charged reaction, which is connected more to her childhood wound than to her partner.
Her partner is only the trigger not the source of the pain.
The good news is that because your partner can trigger your childhood wounds, your partner is also the one who can heal them.
Marriage is all about getting what you didn’t get in childhood.
How?
Toni gets offended because he wants to go on a walk with his wife and she refuses because she is busy with the kids. He grew up with a mother who suffered from clinical depression and spent her time in bed, locked in her room. When Toni came home there was no one waiting for him, no one to talk to, no one to prepare food for him. He questioned his mom love to him and felt neglected and rejected.
TONI USED THE IMAGO DIALOG AND EXPRESSED HIS FRUSTRATION TO HIS WIFE, SHIRLEY:
“I feel hurt when you do not want to join me for a walk. I feel rejected and I ask myself if you are still in love with me”.
HE SHARES HIS CHILDHOOD WOUND:
“This reminds me of the feeling I felt as a child. My mom used to lock herself in her room and I felt as if she didn’t want to spend time with me”.
Under every complain there is a hidden wish that your partner will fulfill an unmet need from childhood.
TONI TURNS HIS COMPLAINT IN TO A REQUEST:
“It makes sense that you cannot join me for a walk because you are busy with the kids. I would appreciate it that when I come home, you will stop what you are doing and hug me.
It would make me feel that you pay attention to me and that you love me.
This is very different from: “You never pay attention to me. You can’t even come on a walk with me when I ask you to”.
Said in this way, there is a high probability that Shirley will be happy to do what Toni is requesting from her and meet Toni’s unmet need from childhood.