He always leaves the room when I bring up an issue. She can’t let anything go.

One of the most common complaints I hear from couples is:” Whenever we argue he leaves the room” or “Whenever we argue she goes on and on about the same topic”.

People respond to conflict in two ways:

The minimizers, in a time of stress, contain their energy inside. They want to be alone.

The maximizers, when they feel anxious, are looking to connect. They retrieve energy by making contact and talking to other people.

In IMAGO, the maximizer is called a Hailstorm- because you can hear them from a mile away.

The minimizer is called a Turtle- because they go into their shell at a time of distress, just like a turtle.

Of course, opposites attract, and the maximizer and the minimizer fall in love, which can create problems.

The unconscious inner dialog of the Turtle is: “I will force my partner to respect my personal space by setting a boundary and retreating into my shell”.

The unconscious inner dialog of the Hailstorm is: “I will force my partner to hear me by expressing myself loudly”.

And a vicious cycle begins: the more the Turtle withdraws into their shell, the louder Hailstorm hails. The louder the hailstorm hails, the more the turtle retreats into their shell.

The outcome?

You both end up being frustrated and angry. The Hailstorms feel that they are not heard, and the Turtles feel that their partners do not respect their boundaries.

Who is right?

 There isn’t a right way to argue. The way you respond to conflict is an adaptation you developed as a child as a response to a stressful situation (Fight or Flight).

The Turtle need is to be alone. Think and process and then respond. The Hailstorm’s need is to connect with others. To respond in the moment.

Solution?

Are you deemed to be frustrated every time you argue? Are you never going to be able to hear or be heard by your partner?

IMAGO views the difference as an opportunity to grow. You can learn from each other. The Turtle can learn to be more present in the here and now, while the Hailstorm can learn to take a step back and then respond.

This is called stretching.

Ask yourself: Who is the Hailstorm (Maximizer) and who is the Turtle (Minimizer) in your relationship and how can you stretch- what small steps can you take to improve your relationship?