How to resolve marriage conflicts when one partner is “too logical” and the other “too emotional”
By Chuck Starnes
Jim and Patty’s marriage was in conflict. Jim was a logical, “black and white” kind of thinker while his wife Patty was more sensitive to emotions and in touch with her feelings.
They say opposites attract, and this was never truer than in the case of Jim and Patty.
Their conflicts usually ended with Jim arguing his point until Patty finally gave in to his “logic”. Patty would react emotionally, and she never felt like her opinion mattered.
For years, Patty went along with this until one day to Jim’s complete shock and surprise, she asked for a separation.
That’s when they sought help. Here’s what they said.
Patty: “Jim thinks he’s right about everything, and he tries to make me feel stupid.”
Jim: “I manage my team at work. I reason with them, and they all get my logic and everything goes smoothly. I can’t understand why Patty ‘doesn’t get it’ and it frustrates me because she’s so ruled by her emotions.”
Patty didn’t feel heard. And Jim felt like everybody in the world understood his logic but Patty.
What is the problem here?
Jim is a “separate knower” and Patty is a “connected knower”.
The theory of separate and connected knowing states that there are two different ways we know and learn. I’m no expert in epistemology, but I find this simple insight very helpful with couples.
SEPARATE KNOWING
What is “separate knowing”? Think Socrates. The scientific method. That kind of empirical, objective, linear thinking that western civilization is largely based on. That’s what’s meant by “separate knowing”.
Separate…as in detached from the object being studied. It’s the critical thinking approach.
It’s an approach that becomes adversarial and competitive, because it assumes that a group of random people can understand and describe a reality in the same objective way.
It has an attitude which says, “Prove it.” It holds that truth exists independently of who is doing the observation.
Nothing wrong with that!
The advancements in modern science and technology that we enjoy today are the result of brilliant minds engaged in “separate knowing”.
Jim is a separate knower. And who do separate knowers usually marry?
You got it! Connected knowers.
CONNECTED KNOWING
Patty is a “connected knower”.
Connected knowing adds to the knowing process things like intuition, emotion, and empathy. This kind of knowing is not detached and uninvolved.
It’s the kind of knowing that actively affirms the person you are attempting to understand. In marriage, it’s the kind of knowing where you seek to empathize with your partner.
While holding fast to your own view of reality, you stretch into your partner’s world to see and understand her or his point of view as fully as possible.
At first, Jim thought this was nonsense. He claimed that Patty couldn’t see truth clearly because her feelings distorted her perspective.
Connected knowers are often misunderstood in this way. Connected knowing is often referred to as “soft thinking”, and is not valued as much as clear, logical evaluation.
But connected knowing, when done well, uses the knower’s intuition, emotion and empathy as part of the knowing process, leading to even better independent judgments.
Connected knowing views the truth as a process that is evolving and co-created by those who are participating in it.
It realizes that observations from a detached, objective position will not necessarily result in an unbiased view of truth.
In marriage, you need your partner’s perspective to arrive at a fuller, more unbiased view of your reality as a couple.
Ok, enough theory. How did this help Jim and Patty?
THE COUPLE’S DIALOGUE
We used the Couple’s Dialogue to first help Jim see Patty’s perspective. Then to help Patty see Jim’s perspective. (Click on the link to print out the Couple’s Dialogue guide for your own use).
Through the Couple’s Dialogue Jim began to suspend his own critical judgement long enough to enter into Patty’s world.
Mirroring
The first step was for Jim to “mirror” Patty (repeat back to her exactly what she said).
It went like this:
Patty: “When you argue your point, I feel like you’re not seeing everything. I feel like you have your mind made up and I have no room in the relationship. No room to be who I am and to have my own opinions.”
As Jim mirrored Patty, he began to see things he hadn’t seen before.
After mirroring, Jim checked for accuracy: “Did I get it?”
Then he turned on his curiosity with the question: Is there more about that?”
That powerful question that ignited curiosity in Jim’s brain also made it safe for Patty to get in touch with her feelings.
As Patty felt safe for the first time in a long time, she began to share how her childhood wounds were being triggered by this feeling of not being heard and valued.
She began to get in touch with thoughts she’d never thought, and feelings she’d never felt.
Patty: “Yes, it reminds me of when I was little and I felt like my dad never listened to me. And mom was so busy I felt invisible.”
As Patty added this meaning to the collective consciousness between them, you could see a shift happening in Jim.
Suddenly he realized there was so much more going on in their relationship than meets the eye.
He began to see that his “separate knowing” was limited, leaving him with just his perspective, and blinding him to Patty’s.
Validation
The second step in the Couple’s Dialogue is validation.
Instead of seeing Patty as emotional and illogical, the dialogue helped Jim to see that her feelings made sense.
Jim: “Patty, you make sense. Growing up you didn’t feel like your dad listened to you, and with your mom you felt invisible. It makes sense that when I don’t make room for your opinion, you would feel that way in our relationship.”
Mirroring and Validation brought Jim into a place of “connected knowing” intellectually, but it was the third part of the Couple’s Dialogue that helped them reconnect their hearts.
Empathy
Empathy is the third part of the Couple’s Dialogue.
Jim: “I can imagine feeling invisible, and feeling like your opinion doesn’t matter really hurts. And I can imagine the fear you have that this will never change and you’ll never get to be who you really are in our relationship.”
Jim was now fully experiencing connected knowing. As he saw what he hadn’t seen before, and felt feelings that he hadn’t felt before, there was a transformation that occurred.
Before this dialogue, he saw Patty as simply emotional and illogical. Now he was seeing her reality.
He was becoming aware that there were past experiences that affected the way she saw everything.
Connected knowing was helping Jim gain a fuller picture of their reality as a couple.
This was the beginning of a new relationship where they learned appreciate both “logic” and “feelings”.
In time Patty began to feel safer and more able to share her feelings with Jim.
And Jim discovered how enriched his perspective and his life can become if he engages in “connected knowing” with Patty’s help.
After Patty had talked and Jim mirrored her, it was Jim’s turn to talk. And Patty went through the Couple’s Dialogue steps with Jim of mirroring, validating, and empathizing.
Through the dialogue, Patty came to more fully appreciate Jim as a “separate knower”. Because he made it safe for her and engaged in “connected knowing” with her, she was able to see the value Jim brings to the relationship as the logical “separate knower” that he was.
What about you? Are you a separate knower? Are you a connected knower? Or, are you some of both?
How is the imbalance to one side or the other affecting your relationship?
Do you have a tendency to exalt your own way of knowing while putting down your partner’s?
It’s not a matter of one way being better than the other. Both ways of knowing are necessary to arrive at a more complete and unbiased view of realty.
So let’s learn from our partner how to resolve our marriage conflicts when one partner is “too logical” and the other “too emotional”.
How to have the kind of marriage communication that leads to closer connection
by Chuck Starnes
Often, when I get a call from a couple seeking help, they tell me they are having "communication problems".
But communication is NOT really the problem in marriage. Feeling disconnected is.
Good communication is not enough unless it leads you to a closer connection.
In this post by by Chuck Starnes - Relationship Coach, let's explore three practical steps that will help you communicate in a way that will lead you to a closer connection.
Experts cite communication problems as the number one reason marriages fail.
But good communication in marriage is not enough, unless that communication leads you to a closer connection with your partner.
That’s because…
Communication is not really the problem in marriage. Feeling disconnected is.
You can have good communication and not feel connected.
I’m not saying communication is not important, because you can’t connect without communicating. What I’m saying is you can communicate without connecting.
Sometimes you may communicate perfectly and still trigger each other’s defenses.
Whenever defenses are triggered, the space between you becomes negative. Negativity makes a conversation unsafe, and that’s what keeps you from connecting.
So…
Whether it’s criticism in your communication, or a judgmental reaction to your partner’s words, this kind of communication will prevent connection and conflict will be the result.
Talking with criticism or listening with judgment can make any subject a contentious one. And that’s when we blame our relationship failure on “communication problems”.
On the other hand, when you talk in a way that leaves you feeling connected, then you can more easily deal with every problem in your relationship.
The Safe Conversation model (aka The Couple’s Dialogue) is a tool that will help you communicate in a way that leads to connection.
Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt have defined a Safe Conversation as…
A way of talking without criticizing, of listening without judging, and connecting beyond our differences.
Let’s consider how this can work for us.
1. Talking without criticizing
Janet said to her husband Rob, “You’re going to kill yourself if you keep eating like that! You know that white sugar is poison!”
Communication? There is no question about what Janet is communicating. It’s crystal clear. But what do you think Rob’s response would be to this kind of communication?
He’d probably see it as criticism, and react by judging Janet’s intent as being disrespectful or controlling. Right?
“Stop telling me what to do! You’re always trying to control me!”
And then this reaction would then trigger further frustration on Janet’s part.
“You never listen to me.”
This downward spiral began with a critical comment.
A safe conversation can eliminate that.
You can talk about almost anything if you’ll say it in a respectful way without criticism.
It’s not what you say but how you say it. Whatever it is you’re talking about is secondary.
As safe conversation is like a truck moving produce. The truck will deliver whatever it’s carrying: wheat, corn, beans or potatoes, it doesn’t matter.
In the same way a safe conversation will deliver any kind of message you want to send: appreciation, frustration, things you want, or things you need from your partner, it doesn’t matter. Like the truck moving the cargo, a safe conversation will deliver the goods.
So what would a Safe Conversation look like in this case?
1) Use “I statements” rather than “you statements”
Instead of saying “you” and then criticizing Rob, Janet could start by using “I” statements to share two things: “what I saw or heard” and “what I felt”.
And then she add any other thoughts or feelings that come to mind.
“When I saw you eating donuts, I felt anxious. My mother had diabetes and died at an early age and I’m afraid of something happening to you.”
2) Watch the non-verbal messages you’re sending
Often, things like a sigh, a glare, or a rolling of the eyes communicate negativity.
It will be really helpful if Janet conveys a soft look in her eyes and speaks in a kind tone.
It’s the non-verbal gestures that actually do most of our communicating.
3) Regulate your own emotional reaction
When Janet speaks in this way, she is working to regulate her reaction and the fear that drives her criticism.
This gives Rob a chance to control his own reaction, and perhaps listen with curiosity.
So, when you’re talking, use I statements, watch your non-verbal messages, and regulate your reaction to what you’ve seen and heard.
These steps will help do a lot to make the conversation safe and thus easier for your partner to listen and connect with you.
The problem may not be that your partner is not listening well. The problem may be that you’re not communicating in a way that can be heard.
Talking without criticizing can help make it safe to talk about even the most difficult issues.
2. Listening without judgment
What’s Rob’s part in this?
Rob stirred the pot by reacting with, “Stop telling me what to do! You’re always trying to control me!”
What if he were to regulate his own reaction for the moment?
You know Janet is really a decent person. What if Rob were to become curious about what feelings are driving her insensitive comment.
The three-part Safe Conversation model is designed to help you do that.
Here’s what it might look like:
MIRROR
What if Rob simply mirrored back to Janet what she said?
Mirroring says to your partner, “You matter. What you have to say matters.”
Here’s what that might look like:
“Let me see if I got what you’re saying. You’re saying that when I ate that second donut, you felt anxious. Your mother had diabetes and died at an early age, and you’re afraid of something happening to me.”
Did I get it? (checking for accuracy)
Is there more about that? (curiosity)
Checking to get 100%, and then becoming curious about your partner has a powerful effect, making your partner feel like she or he matters.
The second step is…
VALIDATE
Validation is when you say to your partner, “Although I may see things differently, you make sense.” And then you tell your partner what makes sense about what she or he just said.
“Janet, you make sense. It makes sense that because you experienced such a loss when your mother died, you’d naturally be anxious when you see me not being careful about my sugar intake. That makes sense.
“Does that give you the validation you need?” (always check to see)
EMPATHIZE
And finally, empathy is when you feel what your partner is feeling about the issue.
“And I can imagine that you’re feeling really scared. I’ve felt afraid when I thought of losing someone. And that feels really bad.”
Empathy enables you to be present with your partner in the midst of their fears. This enables you to connect emotionally, on a deeper, heart level. This will also bring a measure of healing to the wound that is driving your partner’s fear.
3. Connecting beyond our differences
As Rob and Janet connect, their differences over diet may not change. But empathy will enable them to connect beyond their differences.
You say, well, what if I can’t accept the difference? What if it’s not just an addiction to sweets, but an addiction to say, alcohol.
Then it may be necessary to ask for a change in behavior. But in my experience Rob would be much more open to Janet’s request if they feel connected.
On the other hand, if they continued being defensive and feeling disconnected, the fight would go on and on and on. Right?
What about you?
You too can learn to communicate in a way that leads to closer connection with your partner.
How?