How To Stop Overreacting?

He says something, you yell. You make a comment, he flips out.

Sound familiar?

Yelling, screaming, name calling-all create an unsafe space. When one of the partners overreacts, a healthy relationship cannot develop.

“I don’t mean to flip out, but I find myself yelling”.

Why does this happen?

Because our thoughts control our emotions, and our emotions control our behavior.

This is the way the process works: Something happens, we tell ourselves a story – an interpretation. The story creates a feeling, the feeling creates a behavior.

For example:

You asked me to take out the trash- Something happens

The story I tell myself is:” You do not do anything in the house. I do everything”-Interpretation

I get angry and frustrated-Feelings

I snap at you “You take out the trash”- Behavior.

Of course, this process happens fast without us being aware of it.

And a vicious cycle begins. I yell at you, you defend yourself, I attack back, and you take a strike at me. There is no room for dialog or for trying to understand each other.

There is something you can do to control your reactions!

It you change the story you tell yourself, your feelings will change, and as a result your behavior will change.

He asks me to take out the trash- Something happened

I think to myself:” That’s weird. He usually takes it out. I am wondering what is going on” - The story I tell myself - interpretation

Worry and empathy-Feeling

I ask if he is feeling under the weather- Behavior

Remember: Changing the story, changes the feeling, which changes the behavior.