The Secret of Communicating In A Way That Your Partner Will Listen
Happy Holidays !
Holidays are a time of happiness and family but they can be a time of stress, arguments , and family fraction.
One of the first questions I ask couples is what do the view as their main issue . 99% of people answer : “Poor communication . “
But communication is not the issue. Not feeling Connected is! Communication is the tool which builds safety and restores and sustains connection.
Think about the last argument you had with your partner . I can guess that you were busy trying to compete on who expresses their needs louder, focusing on trying to prove that you are right . Or maybe you were busy trying to find ways to disconnect from your partner’s complains and nagging .
I can guess that the outcome of this argument was that you both were unhappy and that a few days later ,you were having the same argument .
Like most couples , you engaged in a parallel monologue. Each of you spoke , but no one listened .
How does this happen ?
Criticism and blaming :
When your partner blames you for something, you immediately become defensive . You attack back . You can not listen because you are too busy defending your self .
Culture :
The message in our culture is : Express your self !Voice your needs ! No one teaches us the value and the art of listening.
I know exactly what he is going to say :
How many times did you think to your self :”Here he starts again ? I know exactly what she is going to say?”
We are not curious about our partner. We are sure we know them so well , we know what they think and feel , that we don’t even try to listen to them . We already heard it all .
Brian says to Nancy :”I am so sick of going to your mom . We see her all the time . You are so dependent on her .”
Nancy responds : “You are so controlling . I am sick of you telling me what to do .”
Brian responds :
“You never care about what I feel . You only care about your mother.”
Brian and Nancy engage is a ping pong match of attacking and defending . They are not listening to each other . They are not hearing the need and the pain which underlines these complains . They are too busy attacking and defending.
Research shows that emotional distance is a result of the way people communicate and not of the content . Which means, you can say everything and anything , it just depends how.
How can we communicate in a way which feels safe?
By using the Imago dialog .
The imago dialog was developed by Dr. Harvill Hendricks .
It is a three step structured way of talking with your partner , which will help you work through any issues or disagreements that may be holding you back from a more intimate and fulfilling relationship.It encourages safety which is an essential condition for creating and restoring connection .
The Imago Dialogue Script is an active exchange between a Sender (the speaking partner) and a Receiver (the listening partner).
The Sender speaks his or her message as simply and concisely as possible; that is, the Sender shares thoughts and feelings succinctly, so the receiver can hear the thoughts in digestible parts- rather than being dumped on with a big rant!
Before you begin the dialog , ask your partner if now is a good time . This is essential . If your partner is busy with work ,children or worries , they will not be able to listen to what you have to say and the dialog will fail.
Here is how it goes :
Step 1- Mirroring
* Tell your partner the message you would like them to hear.
* It’s important to use I statements. The message should start with "I" and describe your feelings.
In the example above , instead of saying : “You are so dependent “ Brian can say : “I feel rejected when you visit your mother twice a week .”
In response, the Receiver echoes the Senders message word for word “Let me see if I’ve got you. You said ..”
When mirroring, the Receiver accurately mirrors the message back as verbatim as possible, and does not add any interpretation , thoughts , or responds .
Even if your partner says something that is not accurate , “I visit my mother on Tuesday and Friday” but they really visit her on Tuesday and Wendsday , it doesn’t matter .
What matter is that you are giving your partner your full attention, communicating to them that they matter and that there needs are heard .
Then you ask :”Did I get you “?
This question communicates to your partner that they matter .That you care about their needs .That you are curious about them .
If you feel your partner didn't understand your message, explain again and have them mirror you until the message is received.
Complete the message. If you were heard accurately, your partner says, "Is there more about that?"
This is such a powerful question . This question communicates to your partner that they matter.
Your partner may be in shock. You never wanted to hear more . In the past , you couldn’t wait for them to finish talking, in order for you to attack back or you wanted to get the hell out of there - to disconnect.
Step 2- Validate
“What you’re saying makes sense”- validation.
“It's not enough just to be heard," says Dr. Harville Hendrix, "It's 'Do you see that I'm not crazy?'"
It is important to understand that validating does not mean that you agree with what your partner says. It just means that you understand their perspective . That you see them !
Step 3-Emphasize
Put your self in your partner’s shoes.
“I can imagine you’re feeling…”
In the final step, Empathy, the Receiver takes a guess as to what they imagine the Sender might be feeling with regard to what they have been saying.
This dialog may seem to you a little artificial . Maybe . But Try to think of it as a new workout . At first, it hursts and feels weird . It takes time until your muscles get used to it .
This is the same .You are training your brain to think in a different way . It takes time to get used to it.
You may think that the dialog takes too much time and that you are so busy . Think about the amount of time and energy you put into fighting and arguing !
Transform your relationship ! Learn to listen and communicate in a way which restores and sustains connection!
UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT -ARE YOU A MAXIMIZER OR A MINIMIZER?
Reflect on your romantic relationship: Are you the "pursuer" and your partner is the "pursued"? Are you more active and is your partner more passive?
In every relationship there is a maximizer and a minimizer.
The minimizers turn their energy inward.
The maximizers turn their energy outward.
Imago relationship therapy compares the minimizer to a turtle and the maximizer to hailstorm.
Like a turtle, when the minimizers experience anxiety, they pull inward, like a turtle retreating into its shell. They withdraw and eliminate contact.
On the contrary, when the maximizers experience anxiety, they tend to express themselves loudly to whoever is in hearing range. For the person on the receiving end, it can feel as if they are in the middle of a hailstorm.
The turtles disconnect. They need space. They recharge by being alone, lost in their own feeling and thoughts.
The hailstorms crave contact. They recharge by processing their feelings with others.
During conflict, the turtle is looking to disconnect, to take a moment to process. The hailstorm, on the other hand, is looking to connect, to discuss the issue here and now and to process their feeling with their partners.
It is important to understand that although the minimizer and the maximizer exhibit different behaviors, the source is the same. These behaviors were developed to cope with frustrations and unmet needs as children.
Each partner developed a strategy that helped them survive childhood.
If you are a turtle, you grew up in a home where anger was not allowed, or you had to shut down when people got angry, and you probably still tend to check out when there is conflict.
If you are a hailstorm, you may have grown up in a household where you had to “get louder” in order to get others’ attention, and you probably learned to face conflict and push and yell, until you got what you needed.
The inside dialog of the turtle is:” I will force my partner to respect my boundaries by maintaining distance”.
The hailstorm’s inner dialog is: “I will force my partner to pay attention to me by expressing my feelings non stop and maintaining contact with them.”
And then the following dynamic occurs: The more you turtles withdraw into your shells, the louder you hailstorms will be. The louder the hailstorm, the more the turtle will withdraw.
These coping mechanisms protected you as a child, but they do not work for you in your adult relationship. What helped you survive as a child is destroying your adult relationship. You not responding during conflict drives your partner crazy or you trying to force your partner to be present with you makes them withdraw further into their shell.
You can learn to dance together. Incompatibility is ground for healing and growing.
You can help each other heal the childhood wounds.
It is perfect that there is a maximizer and a minimizer.