Give your self and your partner a present for the new year
Give your self and your partner a present for the new year A relationship full of aliveness , development, and happiness .
How?
There are two steps you can take that will help your relationship thrive.
Fully Commit- This is one of the hardest steps to take. Most of us are one foot in, one foot out. We do not know where we want to be. We are not fully committed. Take a conscious decision that you are fully committed to the relationship and that you are willing to do what ever it takes in order to make it work.
Close all exists- You work extra hours , you are always on your phone, you are volunteering for EVERY school activity, you are always at the gym.
What is an exit?
A form of acting out unspoken, painful feelings by finding satisfaction outside the relationship with another person or another activity rather than talking about the feelings that are stimulated in the relationship.
“Exits” are places where you go to get your needs met outside your relationship.
Things like hobbies, sports, computer games, the kids, work…or pornography, an affair, etc.
Some “legitimate”, some not so.
Whenever anything becomes a substitute for intimacy with your partner, it can drain your relationship of the energy it needs to flourish.
Does this mean that I should do everything with my partner ?
No!
It is healthy to have your own interests , but if the reason that you are involved in them is to avoid dealing with your partner , this is an exit. You love going to the movies with your friend. Great . But if you are going in order to avoid your relationship , this is an exit.
Why do we develop exits?
As per Dr. Harville Hendrix , it all goes back to our childhood . When our needs for safety and love weren’t met as children ,we experienced pain . As children, we taught our self unfunctional ways in order to avoid that pain. We watched T.V, we played outside for hours, we buried our self’s in school work, we used drugs… We did anything and everything we can do in order to disconnect from our feeling, by disconnecting from our self’s. We wanted not to feel.
As adults we do the same. When difficult feelings arise, when we feel unsafe, unloved, hurt, we disconnect.
A relationship with an exit is like a tire with a tiny puncture that is slowly but steadily leaking air; sooner or later, it goes flat. You find your self involved in an invisible divorce .You are living next to each other, not with each other.
What do we do?
Commit-decide that you want to fully commit to the relationship.
Identify- Identify ways you avoid your relationship
Close all exits