My husband is always angry”. “My wife is always screaming”. “I am always criticizing”.
Familiar?
Is your relationship full of anger? Do you or your partner tend to overreact? Are you reactive?
What is anger?
Anger is a secondary emotion. It is fueled by other emotions, usually sadness and anxiety. People show anger because it is a familiar way to stop feeling a painful feeling. When a person feels anxiety, pain, frustration, they are interested in disconnecting from these feelings as soon as possible. By focusing on what someone else did to them and how wrong that person was, they disconnect from their own painful feelings. This is an unconscious and an automatic process.
Anger and rage act as poison to your relationship. The sense of intimacy, trust and connection are threatened.
Isn’t it healthy to express anger?
Yes. Of course. It is extremely important not to repress feelings, the only question is how.
When we are screaming, or giving our partner the silence treatment, they cannot hear the pain and the need behind the anger. They automatically go in to “flight or fight “mode, and they are busy attacking back or disconnecting from us.
In addition, research suggests that the more one rages, the more facilitated the rage pathways in the brain become. This means that the more we express our feelings of anger, the angrier we get.
Dr. Harville Hendrix compares anger to fire. If we let it burn with no control, it destroys everything around us. If we shut it down, we are cold. But if we learn how to control it, it can bring us warmth and food.
Why am am always angry at my SPOUSE?
“I always say something negative”. “I want to be positive, but I find my criticizing my partner without wanting to “. “He makes me so angry” .
FAMILIAR?
We are angry because of the interpretation we give to our partner’s actions. Our partner’s actions activate our unconscious feelings of pain and our past experiences and insecurities.
For example: You asked your partner to help you with your iPhone. They raise their eyebrows as a respond to your request and say they will help you. You tell tell them that you do not need their help and storm out of the room. What happened?
You grew up in a house that being smart is highly valued. All of your siblings are top lawyers, accountants, engineers … You were looked down upon and viewed as the less smart one in your family, as a disappointment, as a failure. When your partner raised their eyebrows in responds of your request, their action activated your childhood pain. You felt as if they are putting you down, not valuing you, looking at you as if you are stupid. The pain turns in to anger.
The feelings that drive our actions are almost always unconscious. We are not responding to the actions. We are responding to the unconscious feelings that come up for us.
This is an automatic and unconscious process.
What should I do?
Awareness, ownership, express needs
The best way to deal with anger in a relationship is to learn how to express one’s feelings in a safe way, both taking ownership instead of blaming, and asking for unmet needs.
Awareness -Ultimately the goal is to transform the feelings of hurt that are beneath the anger so that the desire to rage is no longer present.
Instead of raging against your spouse for not caring about you or for committing a wrongdoing against you, share your hurt.
Ownership- Instead of ranting and blaming, try using “I” statements: “When you raised your eyebrows, I felt. “I feel hurt when you”.. these statements invite your partner to listen to your pain in empathy and try to connect to you.
Ask for what you need- “What I need from you is “sounds very different than “You never give me a compliment “.
My partner is always angry
Living with an angry partner can be anxiety provoking, scary, stressful. Feelings of helplessness and humiliation may come up.
Of course, your partner should take responsibility of their behavior and of course you are not responsible of their emotions, but there are actions you can take in order to diffuse the situation.
Validate-Reflect back their feelings and validate them without any explanation on your part of why you did what you did.
A person in the heat of emotion is consumed with themselves and their feelings.
They are not interested in hearing what the other has to say, they are fully focused on themselves.
By validating them you are giving them space to feel what they are feeling.
Try validating and see how it works.
Wishing you a great weekend!
When Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Have Sex
Sam never wants to have sex. His head always hurts, or he complains of a stressful day at work. Dave wants to have sex every day. Nancy doesn’t. When she refuses, he gets offended.
Having different sexual drives is common.
It is difficult to find someone that wants what you want, exactly at the same time you want it. But when there is a tremendous disparity between partners sex drives, relationships can be hard to manage.
Lack of physical intimacy in a relationship may influence the relationship in a negative way. The partner that never wants, the low libido one, may feel pushed, resentful and as is they are always disappointing their partner. The one that always wants, the high libido one, may feel rejected.
I usually see two types of couples in my practice:
1. “They always wanted and now they never want”
At the beginning of the relationship, you are on the same page. You want when she wants, she wants when you want. Throughout the years, one of you, not necessary the woman, experiences a drastic drop in sex drive. As a result, the partner with the higher libido feels cheated and may they say to them self’s that if they would have known this, they wouldn’t get involved with this person.
2. “They never wanted”
There were drastic differences in sex drive from start, but you ignored it because you thought that love is stronger than anything or you minimized the poetically destructive impact of this disparity. The partner which now want more, will feel uncomfortable bringing up their feelings because they knew what they were getting them self’s in to. But the feeling of rejection and abandonment will bubble under the surface and anger will begin to meagre.
These Feelings will especially grow when prior insecurities as low self-esteem, issues with body image and more, were present. “It is because I overweight”,” It is because I am boring” …
Often, not having been satisfied with sexual relations in a romantic relationship is a source for embarrassment and shame.
The man may feel that is manhood is injured, the woman may feel as if she is not attractive or feminine enough. The social message is that men always want to have sex, “so why doesn’t he want to have it with me”?
Why does this happen?
A physical problem
Men- maybe you have low testosterone levels. Women- especially over 35, maybe your hormones are lower now than what they were 20 years ago.
Difficulties in the relationship
For example, criticism serves as poison to passion and desire.
History of sexual and physical abuse
Stress
One of you is not able to disconnect from the day-to-day stresses.
Bordedom
One of you may need more stimulations.
Often, couples report that because they feel so embarrassed, they don’t share these difficulties with friends, with their therapist and don’t even discuss this with each other. The issues are not discussed, not acknowledged and as a result, not treated.
Sex becomes the elephant in the room that no one talks about but has negative effects on the couple’s relationship.
Any solutions?
Medical- If the issue is medical, it is an easy fix. Make an appointment.
Schedule Erotic space-In the movies, passion rises , and you have hot sex on the kitchen counter. In realty, kids, work, errands, families, suck up all of your energy and time. Schedule time. Block out two hours a week. Plan it. Create that erotic space.
Talk- Sex is a difficult topic to discuss. By talking openly about sex, listening and emphasizing with your partner, half of the issues may go away.