Surviving Families And Holidays

Thanksgiving and other holidays are on the way. For many couples, this means spending time with extended families.

“Your mom is always here”. “Your dad never leaves”. “Your sister is always yelling”.

Sounds familiar?

Families are great but extended families are one of the most common issues couples argue about.

Common problems vary from over involvement, criticism, time spent, and financial support.

Julie shares: “I feel as if I am married to your family. You are always on the phone with your mom or sisters. We spend every weekend with them. We visit them or they come to us. Every visit lasts for hours. When they are here, they don’t care about the family rules. And your mom is always criticizing me. I feel as if I always must do something because if not, she gives me that look, that shows me that she thinks I am lazy”.

Julie grew up in a family with clear boundaries, dinner was served at a certain time and family never dropped by unannounced. When Charles' family storms in and stays for a few days, she feels as if she has no personal space.

In contrast, Charles grew up with four siblings. There were no set rules, family was always welcome and there was always someone over.

Couples differ in their views of boundaries with extended families. These views are shaped by family histories, values, culture, and personal priorities.

When Charles' family drops by, he doesn’t understand why it is such a big deal.

When Julie brings up this issue, Charles feels as if she is rejecting his family. He feels attacked and defends his family.

This is common. Couples find themselves on opposite sides when arguments about families come up.

Your partner comes first

As a married couple, you need to create your own family unit, with your own personal values, traditions, and boundaries. This is your priority. Creating this requires open communication between you and your partner.

IMAGO DIALOG:

Share what makes you anxious

Listen to the need behind the complaint.

Let your partner know the non-negotiable boundaries you may have about the things you are uncomfortable talking about or doing at family gatherings.

Make sure you are both on the same page and ready to support one another.

Happy Thanksgiving!