4 Warning Signs That Your Marriage Is in Trouble
4 Warning Signs That Your Marriage Is in Trouble
Sharon storms into my office: “Yesterday I saw a text from a woman. I know that we were experiencing some issues lately, but I didn’t think that it was so bad”.
Relationship expert John Gottman discusses four communication styles which indicate that there are issues in the relationship:
Criticism:
Instead of discussing something we do not appreciate about our partner’s behavior we attack their character.
“You are exactly like your mom” or “You always yell”.
Contempt:
We make fun of our partner. Put them down. Make a joke. We say we do not mean to hurt them. It is only a joke, but it hurts their feelings.
Contempt is like poison to the relationship. It results in hurt and disconnection.
Rolling eyes, tone, being cynical, putting down.
Defensiveness:
Instead of taking ownership of the relationship, we blame our partner. We are busy attacking them.
“It’s your fault that we are always late” or “The kids wouldn’t act like this if you would be less controlling”.
Stonewalling:
Instead of discussing what happened, instead of addressing the issues, we ignore it, and we disconnect emotionally and physically.
“Forget it. It will not help to bring it up. You don’t care anyway. Nothing will change”.
Did you identify one or more of these communication styles in your relationship?
What can we do to change these dynamics?
The first step is commitment. To decide to give yourself a chance as a couple and to do whatever is needed to change.
The second step is to try and improve the way you communicate.
When we say to our partner: You never pay attention to me, their brain immediately goes into attack mode. They do not hear you and they cannot be empathic to your pain. They are too busy defending themselves and attacking back.
Try saying: I feel_____________when you do _____________________
I feel sad when you yell at the kids.
`The third step is to find ways to connect. To enjoy each other’s company. To have fun. For example: Scheduling a weekly date night. Only the both of you. Not arguing .Only having fun.